Epilogue - The Summary of Lumpiness

Being a fairly private person, I rarely tell people I’ve had 11* breast lumps, but lately I’ve found the more I open up the more similar stories I hear in return.

More often than not a girlfriend will casually admit, “Oh, yeah, I found a lump, should I get it checked out?” or “My sister/aunt/mother had one”.

That is why I wrote this blog: for my friends and family. And their friends. And, truth be told, a little for me too. For anyone who is not necessarily dealing with cancer, but is still scared of the unknown lump they just found in their body.

And if you ever do find a lump ---> make an appointment with your doctor. No dallying. No dancing or skirting around the issue. Don’t post on a online forum to ask ‘Can someone describe what cancer feels like?’ or do an internet search to try and self-diagnose. 

Just make the appointment and go.

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This blog is done! Thank you so much for reading. If you have enjoyed, please forward and recommend to others. 

A special thank you to Kelly Turnbull (http://tsalmaveth.deviantart.com) for editing. I really, really appreciate all your work, Kel. Hugs.

*Updated 2015

Post 13 - Two to Tango

Pets are great, snuggly company, but beware of head-butts and/or accidental stepping on your chest. My cat likes to sit on me whenever I am feeling under the weather, and sometimes it actually helps. Like with cramps (furry heating pad). Or restless leg (furry, weighted heating pad).  

Not so much for fresh incisions. 

For the first week, showers will be exhausting. (At least they always are for me.) Your body is healing, seriously healing, so you won’t have a lot of extra energy. You will be sore and tired after all that leaning, bending, and reaching with your arms. 

Be prepared to sleep on your back for a while. Once you are feeling up to it, I suggest hugging a pillow to your chest (added support) in order to roll/sleep on your opposite side. 

Speaking of feeling up to it – bedroom activities between you and your significant other might be put on hold for a little while. Even if you muster the energy, there are other hazards.

Two weeks after my second surgery, my husband and I decided to fool around. We started off carefully enough, but, as it often happens, limbs got tangled, and before you could say ‘breast awareness’ he had accidentally punched me in the boob. 

Not very hard, and obviously not on purpose, but the sudden jolt did pop a stitch. 

Nothing horrific (I didn’t even bleed), but the scar is a teensy bit wider at one end than the other. (Worth it.)

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Next Post 10/28: Opening Up (Last One!)

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Question: Not this week! Just hugs.

Post 12 - Repeat After Me

"Boob ice is quite nice."

Every few hours apply an ice pack on the bandages over your incision. The ice will take down the swelling and the aforementioned thick or warm sensation. 

You may not feel discomfort as much when sitting – that’s good! Keep sitting. Rest as much as possible. Try not to use your adjacent arm. Breast tissue is connected to chest muscles, and you use those for everything. I'm not kidding. If you didn’t notice it before, you definitely will now.  Even simple tasks require pectoral flexing. 

Examples:

• Standing up (especially from low seating)
• Brushing your teeth (whole body shakes)
• Leaning down to flush the toilet (really just the leaning down)

Spaghetti strap tanks tops are fairly easy to put on by stepping into. No arm raising required. Also, they allow easy access for boob ice and checking on incisions. And they look cute.

When removing IV tape, pull in direction of arm hairs. Be brave and rip fast.

However, when you remove boob bandages and gauze, cowardice is king. (Have you ever pulled a bandage off your nipple before? It’s not great.) The tape often starts to itch by the day after surgery, but follow the guidelines set out by your doctor for removal. When it’s time, a little soap and water will help the removal process. Gently does it.

If you are sure you won’t pass out, you can do this yourself. If not, enlist another brave soul. Preferably one who won’t pass out by the sight of dried blood. (Been there!)

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Nest Post 10/21: Carnal Knowledge

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Question: Do you faint at the sight of blood? Know anyone who does? Any good stories out of it?

Post 11 - Let’s Play ‘Sarah Says’

The procedure is done and the offending tissue removed. Everything went well. The doctor will probably call you in 3 to 4 business days with the results of your biopsy. 

Until then, the name of the game is recovery. 

You will probably not remember waking up after surgery, or putting on your sports bra (how the nurse gets that spandex thing over my shoulders without lots of screaming, I’ll never know). You might remember being led back to the “special” waiting area (probably not), or sitting while you “wake up” (not likely). You might recall being loaded into a car (doubtful), or the drive home (not a chance). 

All in all, you probably won’t regain real consciousness until you are back home in your own bed, or tucked up comfortably on the couch. That’s fine. For the best. 

Once the majority of sleepy medications wear off, I always have the sensation that my chest feels abnormally large, or thick, or warm, or all of the above.  Basically, my body knows something major has happened internally, but it’s not sure of what. 

Everyone’s pain tolerance is different; therefore I won’t get into how much pain medication you should or should not take. But know this:

• Narcotics often make you constipated. If you need it, send your guardian out for stool softener. (I ease my embarrassment by taking solace in the knowledge that someone else, not me, had to make the trip to the drug store for poo medicine.)
• Narcotics also make you itch. All over. At least they do me. I have no advice on how to fix this, I just wanted to complain.

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Next Post 10/14:  YOU WILL BE AWKWARDLY SORE

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Question:  Any post-surgery tips and/or advice from your own experience?

Post 10 - Stay Abreast of the Situation

All right, guardians, I’m going to keep talking to you post-surgery, because we both know of Miss Ex-Lumps-a-Lot is NOT cogent enough to retain any of this yet. 

First, hide the car keys. Hide them! Yours and hers. Drowsy people are often positive, and insistent, they are okay to drive. (Not true. Don’t fall for it.) 

Second, push for naps, or at least horizontal relaxing. Gravity, even when sitting, can and will tax the boob. 

Also, don’t ask or offer, just assume control of whatever task she will inevitably try to take on in her groggy state. Be it watering plants with tea or feeding couscous to the cat, no matter how benign, just do it for her. Please. 

This includes:

• The dishes. (There is a LOT of lifting in dishes.) Plus, this helps not just the recently surgered, but the working significant other and/or roommates.
• A written log of patient’s medications taken. Day/Time/Amount.
• Meals and snacks.
• An offer to do laundry. (Clean jammies are a blessing, especially for those bedridden.)

Third, thank you. 

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Next Post 10/7:  “Why, hello there, sleepy! Don’t you look less lumpy?”

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Question:  What the nicest thing someone else has done for you when you were “out of it”?

Post 9 - Bosom Buddies

Now, I’d like to take a moment to speak with the guardians (the kind, patient, and devoted souls who volunteer to schlep us lumpy people around) regarding Surgery Day. Here’s some advice - just for you:

• Remember where you parked.
• Know where you need to pick up the patient afterwards. Sometimes there are special loading zones that are NOT on the same floor, or in the same building, as the surgical office. 
• Know how long the procedure is estimated to take.
• Once the patient is out of surgery, expect them to ask you 2-3 recurrent questions on a continuous loop, such as: “What time is it?” “How long did it take?” and “How are you?”

As a special gift, here is the BEST TIP EVER for Surgery Day:

• Ask the doctor or nurse for the patient’s prescription(s) (if any) BEFORE they go in. That way, you can run, get meds, and have them in hand by the time the procedure is done. And - voilà! No one has to make a stupid extra stop on the way home that takes 40 minutes (if you’re lucky) while a half-drugged, half-drowsy but significantly less lumpy person drools in your car. (Keep in mind, if you‘ve never filled for them before, make sure you use their regular pharmacy or have their insurance info.)

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Next Post 9/30:  “I hate women because they always know where things are.”  ~Voltaire

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Question: Have you ever been the guardian? Have any advice for newbies?

Post 8 - Surgery Day!

You’ve waited for it. You’ve planned for it. You might have even bought a special shirt for it. And now it’s finally here: Surgery Day.

Woo and hoo! No, wait. Boo and moo, more like. (Moo? Whatever.) 

After you’ve arrived at the hospital or surgical center, and been called back to the “special” waiting area, you’ll have a short interview with the assistant nurse. She’ll ask if you have eaten anything and you can proudly say you haven’t. (Unless you’re me. That one time.) 

If you’re having general anesthesia, you’ll meet and talk with the anesthesiologist. Be forewarned: this person is going to see your boobs. In fact, a few people will see them today. Possibly more people than you’ve ever willingly shown them to. 

Suck it up, Princess. You can handle this. 

You’ll probably be given paper slippers for your feet, maybe a cloth cap for your hair, and then led to another room. You’ll be instructed to undress from the waist up, put on a flimsy “cape” thing, and lay back on the operating table. 

After that, most of your responsibility is finished. Congrats! We’ll high five later - when you’re feeling up to it. 

In the meantime, here’s a funny story:

The first time I had surgery, I was really nervous. As soon as the anesthesiologist put my IV in, I started bawling. Quietly. To myself. It didn’t hurt - I was just nervous. 

The anesthesiologist noticed my tears. 

“Are you okay?”

I nodded. 

“Scared?”

I nodded again.

“Oh, well…" he said, at a loss for words. After a second, he brightened. "I bought a puppy home yesterday. Cutest little thing. All legs and ears.”

“Ooh, a puppy,” I said, smiling. Then BOOM. The drugs took effect, and I was out like a light. 

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Next Post 9/23:  To My Breast Friends

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Question: Have you a funny or amusing surgery story?

Post 7 - “Someone to Watch Over Me”

You will need someone to drive you to and from surgery. No, you cannot drive yourself. Go ahead, ask your doctor. They’ll just laugh at you. 

Ping a person you trust (significant other, friend, family member) to be your caretaker for the day of and day after (at least). Feel free to switch it up and have different people for different days. Variety is the spice of life and surgery. Or something like that.

The night before:

1. Shower, shave what you please, and wash your hair. You’re not going to be able to lift your arm past your shoulder for a few days.
2. Stop eating as directed. Read and reread your instructions. I’ve messed up the food rules before. Don’t do that. Don't be like me. The rules are there for your safety and comfort.
3. Plan your surgery outfit. Be sure to include:

• Comfortable pants (jammies!)
• Sandals
• Snug-fitting sports bra
• Button down shirt
• Glasses, not contacts (if applicable)

Set your alarm. Double check to make sure you set it correctly. Journal before you go to bed, just to get out any lingering fears or anxieties, and mark the occasion. You’ve done all you can to prepare. Tomorrow, trusted medical professionals will take over. You’ll be in good hands. 

Now get some sleep.

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Next Post 9/16:  I Like Soft Things

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Question:  What helps you relax the night before a major/stressful event?

Post 6 - Additional Preparation Tips

You’re going to be sitting and lying down (a lot) the day of surgery. Day after too, if you can swing it from work. So start collecting books, magazines, and hand-held games. Backlog your Netflix discs, and beef up your Instant Queue selection. 

Be sure to let your job know (in advance, especially if your work is physically active) you will not be the Queen of Lifting Things for a while after surgery. (I nearly fainted trying to hang up too many wedding gowns at one time. Those things are HEAVY. I wasn’t thinking. What a boob.)

Do a grocery trip and stockpile easy-to-make meals and healthy snacks. I say healthy because of all the sitting and watching television you’ll be doing. I say easy-to-make because odds are someone else will be making them, and you will not earn sympathy points by asking for overly complicated recipes.

Some of my favorite items:

• Couscous (flavored)
• Oatmeal (whole oats, not instant)
• Premade soup (low sodium)
• Morningstar Farms Chik’n Nuggets (microwavable, so awesome)
• Pears (self-explanatory)

If you have a pet, make sure their necessities are stocked up, and maybe treat them to a new toy. They’re going to be worried by how weird Mommy acts and smells. Hospital scents (iodine, antiseptics) linger on skin and bandages. For my cat, this meant refilling his anti-anxiety medication. (Yes, my cat has anxiety. He has tail issues.) (Don’t we all.)

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Next Post 9/9:  Don’t Be Like Me

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Question: What is your favorite, easy-to-prepare meal? Snack?

Post 5 - This One Time

Back when I was, oh, a youth, my mother tripped, fell, and broke her ankle. While Dad drove her to the hospital, I was strategically stationed at home.

“Prepare the house," he said. An enigmatic instruction, at best.

Not knowing quite what that meant, I decided to clean. Everything.

Dishes, dusting, laundry, trash; you name it, I did it. I’m not bragging, I’m explaining how I stumbled upon (sorry, Mom) the best idea ever to prepare your living space for post-surgery. (Unrelated, the idea also works for vacations.)

I figured if my mother saw something that needed to be done, she would try to do it. Especially things near her bed, or anywhere she could conceivably reach or hobble to.

I was totally right.

By cleaning the house, I effectively removed temptation (well, deferred it, at least), enough for her body to get the rest it needed. To just SIT and RECOVER for a few days.

So, load the week before your surgery with mundane household tasks. Make a checklist, or (if you’re super cool) an Excel worksheet. Mine included:

• All laundry, including towels and throws
• All dishes
• General house picking-up-of-things
• Vacuuming

And most important…

• Wash and replace bedding. Trust me, nothing is better than drugged, half-conscious crawling into a freshly laundered bed. (Also, nothing is more embarrassing that having a friend help you into the odd smelling, covered-in-cat-hair sheets you usually sleep in.)

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Next Post 9/2:  Squeezing Pears

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Question: What is your best pre-surgery tip?

Post 4 - This Sucks

Having a breast lump aspirated is a fairly simple, straightforward process, somewhat similar to getting a flu shot except the needle goes in your chest instead of your arm.

And it pulls out liquid instead of pushing some in. 

“How awful,” you say, shuddering. “My boob hurts just thinking about that.”

True, but I forgot to mention the lovely topical numbing medicine put on your skin before any scary needles come out to play. Seriously, for me, the whole thing took less than 20 minutes. I didn’t feel a thing (I didn’t look either), and I went to work afterward. No side effects that I remember. 

I honestly wish all of my lumps could have been taken away via this method. Alas, #3 was the black sheep. The rest have all been removed through surgery. Except #'s 7 through 11, they're just hanging out. (See Blog Post 3, numeral 1.)

Update 2015:

I'll admit. It took me a while to accept how my breast scars look. I am thankful to have a great surgeon who likes to use old scars are new entry points. I am thankful to never have had anything more than a few lumps removed. (There are women much more bad-ass than me who have had a LOT more taken off of them. See "Why I Gave Up My Breasts") But I still have several scars. I'm okay with them now. They're my scars. They remind me of how lucky I've been. 

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Next Post 8/26:  The Girl Who Liked to Use Excel Worksheets

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Question:  Do you have any major scars? Which one is your favorite, or has the best story behind it?

Post 3 - Don’t Just Sit There

Ultrasounds are easy, painless, and gooey, but there is often a lot of down-time involved. Between waiting for the tech nurse to call your name and waiting for the radiology doctor to examine the pictures, I’ve wasted upwards of an hour and a half. Bring a good book or filch one of the better magazines from the waiting room. 

You will be lying down, so wear comfortable pants. 

Sometimes after the ultrasound is done they can give you immediate feedback, but usually they’ll just tell you to meet with your specialist. Follow their instructions. 

After talking with the specialist, I’ve received the following results:

• It’s nothing to worry about. Keep an eye on it, and check back in after 6 months for another ultrasound and / or mammogram.
• It’s mostly liquid, so set up an appointment to have the lump aspirated.
• It’s solid and needs to be biopsied via surgery.

If it’s either of the latter, ask questions about the procedure. If you’re not sure you understand, ask again. Collect handouts and reading material. Set up any appointments (aspiration or surgery) at the office BEFORE you leave. Make sure you are aware of your financial responsibilities. All of them. (For example, if your surgery requires an anesthesiologist, they are a separate cost from the surgeon.)

Concentrate on immediate next steps, i.e. what you need to take care of. Talk to your significant other, a friend, or family member about your concerns and worries; let them “in” on what’s going on inside your chest. Remember to breathe. 

And start eating more tomatoes. 

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Next Post 8/19:  “What knockers!” “Oh, thank you, doctor.”

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Question:  Have you ever had an ultrasound? What was your experience like?

Post 2 - 2nd Base

But before you go, write down a few details to take along to the doctor:

• How long have you had the lump?
• Has anyone in your immediate family had lumps?
• Date of your last period? (Somewhat unrelated, but this question always catches me by surprise. Every. Time. And I have to sit there for a moment with this, ‘When IS the last time I bled out?’ look on my face while I desperately try to recall some event to jog my memory.)

The doctor will usually perform a full breast examination, feeling up both your boobs and under your armpits. (Twice when I have gone in, they found a second lump. Not the norm, I’m just that lucky.) 

Afterward they might tell you it’s nothing to worry about, or they might refer you to a specialist (someone who has studied extensively over that thing you have) or tell you to go in for an ultrasound / mammogram. Sometimes both.

Set up these appointments right away. Don’t stash the papers in your purse or hide them in the To Do drawer. Call THAT DAY to set up the appointment. (I’ve done it outside the doctor’s office sitting in my car.) Why? Two reasons:

1. Because specialists often book up fast, and if you have to schedule both, you’ll want them relatively close together. Example: Monday – Ultrasound. Wednesday – Meet with Specialist.
2. Because your doctor’s office probably faxed over a referral request and we all know how reliable fax machines are and how easily papers can be misplaced. (I actually made 5 calls and 1 visit between my doctor’s office and the specialist’s over a “missing” faxed referral before someone figured out the paper HAD been sent, my name just wasn’t on it. Oops.)

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Next Post 8/12: Organic is best.

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Question: Do you know your family’s history regarding lumps and bumps?

Post 1 - What Is This? I Don’t Even-

Like a good girl, you perform your self-breast exam every month. Or, like a rebel, every other month. Or maybe even just when you remember. (But seriously, start doing it every month. "Early detection saves lives" has been largely disproven, see "Should I Get a Mammogram" via Breast Cancer Action, but it IS important to know your body and what's going on with it). And now, you’ve found a lump.

You don’t remember feeling it before. You can’t imagine something that size or that solid could have formed overnight, but it’s definitely there, and now you can’t stop thinking about it. You might even poke or squeeze at it. 

‘Does it hurt when I do this? Just how big is it?’ 

You think about it in the shower, at work, at the gym, and before you go to sleep.  Just in case it turns out to be nothing more than your imagination or a stupid spider bite, you have your significant other feel you up. 

“Yup, that’s a lump,” they say. “What next?” 

What next, indeed. 

Irrational fears and nervous thoughts, spearheaded by a gut-wrenching worry you’ve finally developed The Big C, may enter your head and try to halt your actions. But whether you have or haven’t, nothing can be told or solved by you poking ineffectually at your boob.

As soon as possible, make an appointment to go see your doctor or a general practitioner. 

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Next Post 8/5: But Before You Go…

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Question: Have you ever found a lump? What was your initial reaction?

Introduction - Developing Soon

In 32* years,  I’ve had 11* breast cysts (all of them thankfully benign). 5 were removed through 3 surgeries, 1 was aspirated, 1 was a false alarm, and 4 are just hanging out after multiple diagnostic visits.

I've never had nor been diagnosed with breast cancer. This blog is a (hopefully) amusing and informative retelling of my personal experience with breast lumps. 

Because even if you don’t ever develop a lump, odds are someone close to you might, and breast or otherwise, strange growths in our bodies are kinda scary.

Next Post 7/29: A lump is found, and a girl freaks out.

*Updated 2015